The world according to Matthew

Ever wish you could make the rules? Im going to start a little thread here that reflects MY opinion on the way things should be, and how people should act. I went out for lunch today and my GOSH people are just crazy in this world. Although I know the Good Book says that the world will turn this way, its just so hard to stomach people and their actions sometimes. Some of these rules will seem just plain obvious – but you’d be surprised. I’ll start off with road rules. I seem to have a lot of trouble coping on the road.

  • when you hear that big engine behind you, it means yes, its time to stop walking down the CENTER of the aisle.
  • the left lane is for faster drivers, if this isnt you, move over.
  • Remember that rule from the Drivers Handbook that said something about using your turn indicators 200′ prior to your turn? Stop putting on your blinker 5′ from your turn roughly the same time you brake hard.
  • Intersections. If you come to a red light at a major intersection, dont sit in the right-hand lane to go straight. People behind you want to turn. Exception to the rule: Rural areas.
  • When traffic is heavy, just because you bulldog the nose of your vehicle into my personal space does not mean I’m letting you in. This will guarantee I wont let you in.
  • Courtesy waves. Need I say more?
  • Please program/dial/configure your (insert gadget here) BEFORE you get on the road. And DONT do this in the fast lane. I actually saw a kid playing a game device while driving once.
  • INTENTIONALLY not looking both ways when crossing the street/aisle/walkway so that i HAVE to yield to you doesnt mean I will. You dont know that Im reading a book behind the wheel.
  • Yeah, I agree there are more cars on the road than ever. Yeah, i know you need to pull out in a hurry to jump in. But if you DO pull right out in front of me, STEP ON THE GAS!
  • In addition, if you pull out in front of me in three lanes of light traffic, PICK AN EMPTY LANE. If you dont, see previous.

Ok thats enough road rules for now – i could go ON and ON and ON….. (ask my wife)

Some General Rules

  • Cell Phones. Do I EVEN have to say it? GO SOMEWHERE PRIVATE to talk about FiFi’s latest nail color. I just lost a parent to cancer, i know what its like to be waiting on that all-important call. But there was NO WHERE that I couldnt take 2 seconds to get up and walk out of wherever i was.
    Contrary to what you think, NO ONE wants to hear your conversation.
  • That space located just outside the front door of ANY public establishment is NOT your personal parking space. Even if you’re waiting on someone.
  • Please honor my 3′ personal space when you see me in line at the grocery/bank/buffet/etc. I really DONT want to give you a piggy back ride.
  • Dont think for a second that it is my duty to move out of the way for you. This one boggles my mind. People that will flat out run over you because you dont step aside. Go figure.
  • Dont walk on bluebonnets
  • ASK me if i want more tea. And if i do, DONT grab my glass any where NEAR where my lips touch.
  • So you’re finally outside to smoke – thats a good start. DONT stand in the entrance!
  • To quote a line from the classic Rebok commercials, “if you kill the Joe, make some mo!”
    If you take the last cup of coffee… MAKE ANOTHER POT.
  • Stand in line like the rest of us. Your “quick question” really isnt.
  • Just because your favorite electronics store demos the latest and greatest video games…doesnt give you the right to yell and cuss at the screen like you were at home. Grow up or get out.
  • Although I dont act like one, I AM an adult. If you are younger than I am, especially significantly younger – KNOW that I am older than you and respect my age.
  • Yes, I will drop anything and everything to come to your aid or to provide you my attention. Please reciprocate.

Perhaps this is enough for now. I’m sure I will add to this list as I think of new ones.

HOW ABOUT YOU? What would be YOUR rules????

~MJ

Not as tough as I thought…

Its one of the first beautiful weekends weve had yet this year. Spring is definitely approaching. We had some friends coming in from out of town and trying to take advantage of the weather, I thought I would just zip out back and do a little yard work.

We’re blessed with this wonderful gazebo atop which is covered an amazing (cursed) growth of Wysteria vine. Well, its like this – the Wysteria and I have a yearly battle. Just as vine would do, it reaches its tentacles out for ANYTHING it can get a grip on. If it gets a little out of control, it will begin to course up the limbs of adjacent trees, tables, plants – anything. Nevertheless, I try to get out there and trim it back. Evidently I didnt get it cut back enough last year, so here I am at it again – me vs. the vine. I get my 8′ ladder out and begin trimming away. Get the front done, all is well so I move around to the back. My goal is to get it trimmed down enough so that I can climb up top and really get after it. My progress is coming along pretty good, so I get courageous and take a couple more steps up the ladder. Im pretty much out of rungs. Just as Im about to get command of the Wysteria, it makes a move on me. And wins. Seems I had ahold of an older vine that was dead and just as I went to climb on top of the gazebo, the branch gave way… It all happened so fast. The next thing I know, im on my hands and knees shaking out the cobwebs wondering what in the heck had just happened. Turns out, I fell smack on my bum, but evidently I took the brunt of the fall with my wrists – specifically my right one. So here I am – shaking like a leaf cuz it scared the crud out of me. My back is really protesting and I thought to myself that id really screwed up my back. No joy there – thank the good Lord my back was fine. I was not to let the Wysteria win, so back up that ladder I went – shears in hand. I grabbed the first vine I could find and with fierce determination I squeezed those shears like there was no tomorrow. Fire shot up my arm. I couldnt believe the pain. Matthew – 0, Wysteria – 1. After a trip to the bone doctor and a few x-rays, I was fortunate to only come away with a really bad sprain on the right wrist, and a mild one on the left. I hurt from my knuckles to my elbow. The doc hooked me up with a splint for the next few weeks and off I went.

Wysteria Lane…PFFF. Wysteria PAIN.